| Thursday, October 9th, 2008 |
| 1:34 pm |
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 |
| 11:31 pm |
i feel nauseous. the only thing I feel is guilt from this fucking muffin. Guilt. Anger. I dont know what I am going to do tomorrow morning. This is going to mess up two days for me. aksd;ajksdf |
| 10:59 pm |
GRAH
I am so ANGRY. Angry at my best friend first of all- so heres the scoop. we went away together and I was so optimistic the whole time. but she was always so moody. Then she didnt really call me when we came back ( i figured she needed some space, w/e)... then she went someplace WE were supposed to go to with someone else.. and showed up at my work tonight to visit someone else and when she found out I was working too she was like "oh. hi" and I am feeling so hurt/betrayed. i am so sick of this. this anger. this betrayal. Current Mood:  anxious |
| Friday, August 8th, 2008 |
| 8:40 am |
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| Saturday, July 26th, 2008 |
| 9:11 am |
i was really hungry when I woke up this morning. I got stuck walking home from work last night and by the time I got back I was exhausted.. I didn't know what I felt like. I told myself, just eat what you want but I ended up with a semi variation of the usual and not enough of it. So I forced myself to eat a little more afterwards, telling myself it was just the disorder that was keeping me from eating more. I still felt guilty. I want to be strong, I want to be healthy. Now I'm contemplating whether or not I should go to the gym today. Part of it is I don't want to be stuck in my house. It is really gross this morning and I don't think my dad ever went to bed. Sometimes this is just too much for me to handle. I get so angry with him (he has a lot of health problems coupled with alcoholism) and sometimes I just feel bad. This morning I woke up feeling angry. I'm going to be housesitting for two weeks starting on my birthday (TUESDAY! Whoooo). This should be good. :-) |
| Thursday, July 24th, 2008 |
| 1:30 pm |
its amazing how one can have an entirely different (more optimistic) mindset when she allows herself to eat until satisfied. amazing. |
| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 |
| 2:50 pm |
Done.
This needs to stop. This obsession, this lack of social life, this all consuming power. It is really amazing how the human mind works. I have a daily struggle with myself from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed.. sometimes in my dreams. It is almost like I am never resting. So I ask myself now, where to begin? I have seen nutritionists, I have seen doctors and I am in consuling. But how does one really make that leap. Some tell me " just eat". What does that even mean, just eat? Don't people worry if they are having whole wheat bread or enough protein or enough vegetables and fruit. Why doesn't anyone else have such a problem. And what about exercise? Don't people get antsy if they don't exercise most days of the week. Where is the balance?
So I am posting here because I don't know what to do next. Try eating more.. maybe. I haev attempted that by trying to appreciate foods and eat what I want. But sometimes i eat what I don't want. and I get so angry with myself. Like if my friends plan to go out to ice cream and I don't want ice cream. But I am hungry. So what do I eat?
I am trying to stear away from sugars and what nots and eat more naturally (meaning no splenda or aspartame products either... just straight up natural). But at the same time I will eat a cookie if I want one.. though generally that allowance is only made at night for me. School is coming up which means a lot of food pressure from friends and from my room. Old habits die hard. And alcohol, oh the alcohol. So how do I balance exercise with eating right all under the pressures of friends and school without isolating myself entirely.
I told my consuler the other night that I sometimes avoid going out for fear I will get hungry. And then what? "you don't go out because you are afraid of getting hungry?" It sounds ridiculous I know. But what if I have an anxiety attack because what should be around isn't. Like what I want to eat. What's worse is what if my friends see this anxiety attack?
i want to enjoy life I want to be with people and all that but I can't. Why? What is it that is holding me back?
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| Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 |
| 9:01 pm |
contiuance
for me i am bored with food. it almost seems easier to just not eat although I need to eat. How do I get over this boredom, break my routine. adfkla;jsa i just want to scream out I am so bored! I am bored with my obsession and bored wtih never being satisfied. |
| Sunday, June 8th, 2008 |
| 9:13 pm |
Did you ever wonder what it's like to live with an alcoholic? Well, it's disgusting. nothing is ever clean. He sleeps all day long and is up drinking all night long. He can't sit without having a drink near by or in his hands. He can't remember what he last said and can't carry conversations. This used to be someone I looked up to, someone who I thought cared about me. How can he care about me if he doesnt even care for himself. i just want to scream, stop being disgusting. But at the same time I know it is so hard to give up something that has become your life.
he yells at me for nothing. or everything. he never has anything nice to say. alls he does is complain. he is a cantankerous man and I cannot stand it. I need to move out. |
| Sunday, January 13th, 2008 |
| 8:37 pm |
Im having anxiety. Current Mood: anxious |
| Friday, January 11th, 2008 |
| 8:14 pm |
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| Monday, June 25th, 2007 |
| 4:23 pm |
i am sad. today hasnt been that good and it's only going to get worse. I see the doctor in a bit and i know i probably havent gained any weight. I just want to fall down and cry. i hate this. being so stupid/weak. i absolutely hate it. Current Mood:  melancholyCurrent Music: anxiety- black eyed peas |
| Thursday, June 21st, 2007 |
| 10:58 pm |
oie.
today was better than yesterday until a little whiel ago. |
| Monday, June 18th, 2007 |
| 6:48 pm |
bad day
today was just not good. I had a panic attack and had to leave work early. and I'm adding eating dinner with my family to my list of cruel and unusual punishment. I'm so embarassed by myself. I'm embarrassed to let my family see me struggle with food. no one understands. they think I am crazy. well I guess I am.
I cried after dinner i was so embarrassed. I cried while doing the dishes alone, after telling off everyone in my family. i am so scared i will be alone for the rest of my life. |
| Saturday, May 19th, 2007 |
| 6:15 pm |
no appetite
i'm not hungry. nothing in the world appeals to me. I just want to sleep and not have to worry about eating ever again. |
| Monday, April 30th, 2007 |
| 8:00 pm |
Today was a negative day all around. At breakfast I had troubles... and at lunch. I came to my room after lunch and felt incredibly overanxious. I would start to eat something and throw it out. i feel guilty. |
| Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 |
| 6:52 pm |
feeling shitty
Today has been so anxiety laden and I'm not sure why. My appetite has been so strange. I'm thinking of recreating a mealplan that I had in high school just to get myself back on track... to eat more normally. My meals are so deadset and if anything goes wrong to disrupt them or I know of a scheduling conflict I worry about it nonstop. I need tips, suggestions. . how do people get through this? |
| Monday, April 9th, 2007 |
| 8:07 pm |
dinnertime/etc equals slightly better... uh i killed myself at the gym basically. dinner i had salad and tofu because alls i was craving was water. then i had cereal on the way back with an egg white.. and then yogurt an apple and a luna bar. this is so wierd. i hope tomorrow i can regulate more. |
| 12:25 pm |
i really need to eliminate sugar from my diet.. not entirely but I can't have the simple carbs anymore. I just picked apart a whole wheat tortilla and came back to my room to have a rice krispies treat, fruit, a few nuts and then i picked the chocolate off of a chocolate covered marshmallow thingy from easter to eat the chocolate. i know i shouldnt be guilting myself because it's not that I ate so so much (in fact, i made it a point not to eat the entire rice krispies square and to throw away the marshmallow)... its jsut the mannerisms.. i can't enjoy real food. it makes me sick to my stomach. literally. and now my throat is swelling up. i cant wait to hit the gym this afternoon. Current Mood:  aggravated |
| Sunday, April 8th, 2007 |
| 8:25 am |
Happy Easter
Last night was hard for me. I wanted to go out so badly.. I had done all of this work all day yesterday and all night on Friday and I was just ready for a release. The trouble was my friends were going out with someone I havent had the chance to bond that well with (probably because I am so isolated) and so I didnt get invited.. well I did two minutes before they left when they realized I may have had an interest in going.. but i turned it down becasue a) totally wouldnt be ready in time and b) I didnt want to feel like the unwanted child. So I stayed in and moped all night. got some work done but I was so emotionally exhausted that it didnt help. Today is better. it is easter. i woke up and was starving so i had some breakfast in my room (cereal, fruit, peanut butter and toast). I'm going to brunch at 1 with the family and I am going to the gym in a little bit so I need some energy. Whenever there is some change in my day/ week it's like i can function normally, even for that short period of time. So wierd. For instance, I can eat more or less normally and I can even skip a gym trip and not worry about it (gasp!). Anyways I need to start planning my study abroad trip next year. I'm kind of worried that my ED will get in the way but I'm determined to not let it bother me. Silly old me, worrying about whether or not I will be able to workout in Europe. |
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